Missing -The Me I Used To Be

When you are eating cold cereal do you ever read the back of the milk carton?  I'm talking about the ones with the photos of missing persons. Have you ever recognized anyone on there? Sometimes I half expect to see my own picture there under a caption that reads: Missing...the Me I Used To Be.

Ben Franklin is noted for saying "But in the world nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes."  I respectfully disagree. There are other things that are certain such as illness and change. Change is inevitable. Some changes are pleasant like a new home, job, or welcoming a new baby. Other times change is not so pleasant. The loss of a family member, friend or beloved pet, job, home or finances are devastating. As is the loss that comes as a result of illness or health issues.

I've seen my share of all of these. And while we are aware that they will someday happen to us, we are still caught off balance when they occur. Combine multiples of these events at the same time and you find yourself in the midst of an avalanche that you are helpless to control.

I was raised to be a strong woman. During the difficult times in my life people would often comment on how I managed to maintain my composure. The truth being that it was only by the grace of God.  During those times I trusted him to carry me because I didn't have the strength to do it on my own. In reflection, I think it was more of a case of me "sleep walking" through life. Going through the motions by rote, often without my full attention or comprehension of even doing so.

Hindsight is said to see with 20/20 vision. That is especially true when we can look back on things in our past and honestly review them (wearing our bifocals and not the rose colored glasses). A stronger reality since I've become "disabled." I willingly, and wholeheartedly can admit that I do miss the me I used to be.

We take things for granted until we no longer have them. I'd love to be able to run, ride a bike, dance, go horseback riding or even walk without the restrictions of pain.  I yearn for the roller coaster rides that my pacemaker and back restrict me from enjoying. I miss not going to work and the sense of purpose it gave me. (And I really miss the money!)

Give me back the years of being an earlier riser, waking up refreshed and ready to take on the world. Oh for the days when I could kneel, even if only to pull weeds. Wouldn't it be wonderful to regain the ability of running up and down the stairs (OK walking) to do laundry without my knees screaming out in pain? To be able to throw my hands up over my head and shout with glee, without fear of passing out. I grieve the fact that I will not be able to play on the floor or jump on a bed should I be blessed with grandchildren in my future.

Yet I have so much to be thankful for. I appreciate and rejoice over the gifts of hearing, seeing, smelling, the use of my hands, the ability to think, speak and walk. For without them life would be bleak. The world would seem charmless and inhospitable. A cold, dreary and miserable existence. Unless I could change my perspective and see life from God's point of view.

"He has made everything beautiful in its own time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." ~ Ecclesiastes 3:11 
(NIV)

One needs only to watch the sky to see God's wow factor at work. A rainbow, (and the promise it symbolizes)  the beauty of a sunset, or a sunrise. The crayon box array of colors found in nature which testify to the majestic, artistic, works of God's hands. As his creation, I too am beautiful in his sight, regardless of my circumstances.

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." ~ John 8:12 (NIV)

May your life canvas burst with the vibrancy of Jesus, the light of the world.

Blessings! :)