The Emotional Hazards of being a Caregiver

The emotional hazards of being a caregiver


"We all have our times machines. Some take us back, they are called memories. Some take us forward, they are called dreams." -Jeremy Irons

With the holidays comes the memories of my parents who are no longer here to share them.  I prefer to go to my earlier memories to remember my mother as the woman she was. The beautiful, vibrant, loving mother and devoted wife, not the stranger she became as Dementia stole that woman from me.

There are often times in each of our lives when we suffer through our deepest tragedies  in utter silence. Although our heart crys out in agony, words fail to be uttered that can convey the dept of that pain.

Others may see us in one of two ways, either as strong or as heartless. As I took on the role as my mother's caregiver I was accused of being both. The former accusation hurt me deeply and I constantly needed to remind myself that their words and opinions are a true reflection of their own hearts, not mine.

The grief process for my mother began for me as this disease took her from me. I learned we all grieve in our own unique ways and at our own pace. Grief can't be paused, or fast forwarded. More often it comes in slow, prolonged waves that catch us off guard. Often arriving at the most inconvenient times and it is no respecter of locations. It usually catches us unaware and when we are at our most volnerable stage.

Caring for a person with Alzeheimers and dementia is physically,  mentally and emotionally demanding. Feelings of helplessness,  anger, guilt, stress, discouragement,  worry, grief, loss and even feeling the social isolation are common. Caregiving can even take a toll on the caregivers personal health.

Recently I came across a journal entry I wrote during that time period and share it below to help you understand :

Our lives have fallen into a daily rhythm of routines and repetition, that's how we've dealt with this new "development " in my mother's health.

I'm in their home making dinner and am watching my parents. It's like seeing a movie in slow motion as it goes scene by scene.

Dad is sitting in his favorite orange recliner. The world news is playing on the television while dad reads the daily newspaper to my mother. Growing up this was a familiar ritual. I often wondered if my mother just tuned him out and was occupied with her own thougths.  I was often surprised when she'd comment on, or later recount something that daddy had read to her ealier.

Today as I watch mama stare blankly at the television I hear her singing the words to the Doris Day song "Que ser ra, ser ra, what ever will be will be, the futures not mine to see, que ser ra, ser ra".  It seems so fitting as mama is now in her own world, one I can't access due to the awfulness and cruelty of this heartless demon  monster called Alzeheimers.

Mama turns in my direction as if she is reading my thoughts. She throughly looks me over, smiles the sweetest smile. I think there's a glimpse of my mother. My heart soars, she's back!

Then she turns to daddy and asks him "which neighbor is that in our kitchen? " and I feel my heart shatter a little more. For their sake I fight back another round of tears. Putting on my mask of normalcy and my superwoman cape, I assume the role of mother to my mama child. It's the hardest role I've ever played in my life, and I fear it will be my undoing.

My mother, my mentor, my friend and confidant.  The woman I've loved, admired, looked up to, and the anchor that held our family together is gone. She has been replaced by a child-like stranger and that frightens me to the core.

I believe daddy, like my sisters, is in denial. They continue to function as if everything is still completely normal and no one speaks of the changes in his beloved wife.

I understand everyone copes differently, but I resent that I'm the one that deals with the sad realities of this life. I feel so lost and alone, and as silly as it sounds, I feel abandoned by my own mother. I want to shake my sisters into dealing with reality and lightening my load. I'm not sure how I won the role of the sacrificial lamb carrying the burdens alone, and am expected to solely care for our mother while easing everyone else of their share of the difficult responsibility.

Then daddy hugs me and says "You remind me so much of your mother. You have her looks, but also her heart. You and your mother are the only ones in my life who ever loved me unconditionally.  I don't know what would I do now without you."

Mama turns and looks in my direction. There is a clarity in her eyes that has been missing.  "Do you promise?" she asks me. Yes mama, I will keep my promise to take good care of your husband. Then just as quickly she's gone again.

This is one of those brief moments, a platform of time alloted to me to regain my balance, peace of mind and regain my composure before the next downward spiral. So I will strive to be like mama and become the anchor that holds us together through this storm.