A Legacy of Strength and Dignity

I come from a long line of strong women. A legacy of love, faith, dignity and strength that has been handed down to each new generation of daughters. Women warriors, so to speak, who led by example.

There are no recorded documents,  books or how to manuals to reference their heroic journeys. These timeless lessons and truths imparted not by spoken words of wisdom only, but witnessed through their daily actions. Their experiences giving merit and authority to their words.

Are these family traits genetically related to our DNA, or simply learned behaviors? Personally, I believe it to be a combination of both. In the learning process  we watch, we see, we witness, we mimic, we aquire and use the teachings. The knowledge that was handed down wasn't just about the physical struggles and practical survival skills. There was also a spiritual heritage; a belief, trust in, loyalty to God. While many will mock the traditional doctrines of an individual's religion and them for having a firm belief in something or someone with a lack of supporting evidence or scientific proof, I believe it because I've witnessed it personally.

We were taught by example to stand firm in our faith in God. To trust in His wisdom, especially when we doubted our own. We then witnessed the impossible being made possible.

Life Lessons Learned:

Make and honor your commitments and allegiances wether it's to a person or a duty. Fidelity in relationships are vital. Keep your promises, this is a reflection of your true character.

Sincerity in our intentions. Follow through. Be trustworthy. Say what you mean and do as you say. This is your reputation.

Don't be overcome by difficulties. Seek a resolution to problems and a strive for a way to resolve them.

Focus on better days to come.  Plan for a the future, and not stop, to linger or wallow in the past. Let go, let God, and most importantly move on.

Learn not just from your own mistakes, but also from those of others. You don't have to personally experience or repeat them in order to learn from them.

Never give up, lose hope, or allow yourself to drown in despair. This too shall pass and you will be stronger because of it. Feelings of hopelessness often lead to inaction. This will get you nowhere. Loss the why bother mindset. Instead strive to be
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:12 (NIV)

Sadness is contagious, but so is laughter and happiness. So remember to think happy thoughts and seek joy.
"Whatsoever things are true, whatever is noble,  whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is praiseworthy,  think on these things. " - Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

Never let the enemy see your fear. Don't allow fears to cripple you or those around you. You are braver that you think you are.  Remember that the phrase "Fear not"  is stated in the Bible 365 times. That's one for each day!
"Fear not for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you in my righteous right hand. " -Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

Chant the mantra: " Yard by yard life is hard, inch by inch life's a cinch"  This is your reminder to do what you can. Tackle the big jobs and problems one step at a time until you get it done. Persevere, even if it's only a baby step, it's still a step forward.

Storms are scary, remember your lifeguard (Jesus) can walk on water. Always look for the rainbow, God's promises awaits. He can restore beauty out of the ashes.
"To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. Hey will be called Oakes of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. " - Isaiah 61:3 (NIV)

When God closes a door it's for protection, when He opens a window it's for opportunity. Be patient and praise God in the hallway as you "wait upon the Lord".

Things could always be worse. Strive to make life a little easier for someone else. When we focus on others, it takes the focus off ourself and tends to put things into a clearer perspective. Ask yourself:  "would I really want to trade my troubles for their burdens?" Someone always has a harder struggle.

Encourage others. You know from first hand experience the pain, fear, and sufferings that come with hardship. Model endurance, exhibit and demonstrate faith, help, hope and healing.

Sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it. " Just take action. Engage in activity. It may be uncomfortable at first, but as you experience successes your confidence will grow.
"But he said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you,  for my power is made perfect in weakness' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's  power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9

You are stronger than you realize. Be like the Little Engine That Could; "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.....and I did!"
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:13

All is not lost. Each day is a new chance for a "do over" to correct past mistakes. Tomorrow is another day, a chance for a new beginning and a fresh start. Failures do not have to be our final option,  but instead view it as a new opportunity.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:22-23

Wishing you strength for the day and joy in the journey.

Lost and alone

These past few weeks have had me on a storm watch. I feel in the depths of my soul the changes taking place. That instinct or gut alarm that goes off to alert us to be wary of our environment and watchful for signs of hidden dangers.

Outside the day looms dark, dreary and cold. My spirit mimics that gloomy sadness. A storm is coming. I don't know when, nor can I predict the intensity of the damage it may unfurl. I sense it hovering, but I don't have a clear line of vision. I feel helpless and unprepared.

Turning on the weather channel is useless. Even with all of the sophisticated equipment it can't predict, or monitor the internal storms of life. If only it were severe weather I could plan ahead. Stock up on groceries, make sure the flashlights have fresh batteries. Have the candles and matches standing ready for use and wood hauled in for the fireplace in case of a power outage. Confidence in being armed with an emergency plan, prepared and standing ready for active duty.

In life we can also prep and plan for future unknowns. A life insurance policy, homeowners insurance,  sufficient savings, a retirement fund and even a will to protect the interests of those we could leave behind.

Unfortunately life storms and grief are not so easily managed. They arrive as unwanted, uninvited guests with unpredictable timing. They show a lack of respect and have no regards to the pain, stress and inconvenience their presence places on their unsuspecting host.

The arrival brings changes and the fear that go hand in hand with the unknown. It unleashes a torrent of uncomfortable events and stirs up long buried emotions. Grief leaves me helpless and unsure of how to defend myself in this present storm.

I cry out for God to save me from the pain, yet knowing He often chooses to teach me life lessons forcing my dependence on Him to carry me through the stressful times in my life.

Lately I have been greatly missing my parents. Life changed so dramatically after my mom's death. Our family fractured and fell apart. Each one lost in their own grief.  To each of us she was our person, the glue that held our family together.  Mom was the only one that seemed to have the power to reign everyone in and bring us together as a family.

When my father was still alive my focus became centered on his care and nurturing. This was in addition to being a working, single mom trying to balance all the demands, while caring for my family too. Dad and my children kept me grounded and gave me a sense of purpose. Caring for others has always come easy for me. I was so busy juggling everything and taking care of everyone else that I didn't have time to grieve my own personal loss.

Three years later when my father passed away I wasn't prepared  for the scared, wounded little girl that surfaced. The lost, lonely, orphaned inner child who still cried out for her parents.  Unfortunately she remained neglected as life's demand didn't afford the time to nurture myself even if I had known how to.

Over the years I had learned to put the needs of others above my own. People depended on me for my strength and help, especially when they were in times of crisis. I often wondered if they were really that blind to my personal pain, or simply chose to ignored it because they didn't know how to help me. People literally fell like dominoes at any signs of my weakness, emotional needs or my loss of composure. I was expected and often forced to be the lifeline for others when I felt adrift at sea myself.

The grace of God and the strong faith that was instilled in me kept me from crumbling and falling apart at the seams.  God was my anchor and my personal lifeline.

Many times I would stop and reflect on how my mom would have handled the situation and use that as a pattern or guide. It often meant just going through the motions, the "fake it until you make it" approach.

Funny, how thirteen years after my mother's death that grief still rears it's ugly head. At times the pain and loneliness of that loss washes over me with such a brute force that once again I feel like I'm drowning in an emotional cesspool. Jesus Is my comfort, my strength in my weakness.  But oh how I still ache to be held in my mother's arms and comforted. To once more hear my mom reassure me that I'm not alone and that we'll get through this together.

I still yearn to spend time with her, to ask for her advise and hear her words of wisdom. But most importantly to feel the warmth of her touch and feel her love wash over me. I wrap myself in a blanket, close my eyes, try to picture her face and pretend it's the comfort of her hug, but it's never the same.

Here I am, a grown woman, a mother of adult children, and the thing I want the most is to have one more day spent with my mom and dad. To once more feel valued, treasured, safe and loved.

Instead, I'll wipe my tears, pray for strength and as my mom would stay "buck up and carry on". For among all of the values and life lessons she taught me, the greatest was how in difficult situations to stand up tall, hold my head up high, put on the full armor of God and to warrior on!

And so I will follow in her footsteps and continue on. Praying I touch as many lives in a loving and positive way and thus continue her legacy of faith, strength and love.

The Emotional Hazards of being a Caregiver

The emotional hazards of being a caregiver


"We all have our times machines. Some take us back, they are called memories. Some take us forward, they are called dreams." -Jeremy Irons

With the holidays comes the memories of my parents who are no longer here to share them.  I prefer to go to my earlier memories to remember my mother as the woman she was. The beautiful, vibrant, loving mother and devoted wife, not the stranger she became as Dementia stole that woman from me.

There are often times in each of our lives when we suffer through our deepest tragedies  in utter silence. Although our heart crys out in agony, words fail to be uttered that can convey the dept of that pain.

Others may see us in one of two ways, either as strong or as heartless. As I took on the role as my mother's caregiver I was accused of being both. The former accusation hurt me deeply and I constantly needed to remind myself that their words and opinions are a true reflection of their own hearts, not mine.

The grief process for my mother began for me as this disease took her from me. I learned we all grieve in our own unique ways and at our own pace. Grief can't be paused, or fast forwarded. More often it comes in slow, prolonged waves that catch us off guard. Often arriving at the most inconvenient times and it is no respecter of locations. It usually catches us unaware and when we are at our most volnerable stage.

Caring for a person with Alzeheimers and dementia is physically,  mentally and emotionally demanding. Feelings of helplessness,  anger, guilt, stress, discouragement,  worry, grief, loss and even feeling the social isolation are common. Caregiving can even take a toll on the caregivers personal health.

Recently I came across a journal entry I wrote during that time period and share it below to help you understand :

Our lives have fallen into a daily rhythm of routines and repetition, that's how we've dealt with this new "development " in my mother's health.

I'm in their home making dinner and am watching my parents. It's like seeing a movie in slow motion as it goes scene by scene.

Dad is sitting in his favorite orange recliner. The world news is playing on the television while dad reads the daily newspaper to my mother. Growing up this was a familiar ritual. I often wondered if my mother just tuned him out and was occupied with her own thougths.  I was often surprised when she'd comment on, or later recount something that daddy had read to her ealier.

Today as I watch mama stare blankly at the television I hear her singing the words to the Doris Day song "Que ser ra, ser ra, what ever will be will be, the futures not mine to see, que ser ra, ser ra".  It seems so fitting as mama is now in her own world, one I can't access due to the awfulness and cruelty of this heartless demon  monster called Alzeheimers.

Mama turns in my direction as if she is reading my thoughts. She throughly looks me over, smiles the sweetest smile. I think there's a glimpse of my mother. My heart soars, she's back!

Then she turns to daddy and asks him "which neighbor is that in our kitchen? " and I feel my heart shatter a little more. For their sake I fight back another round of tears. Putting on my mask of normalcy and my superwoman cape, I assume the role of mother to my mama child. It's the hardest role I've ever played in my life, and I fear it will be my undoing.

My mother, my mentor, my friend and confidant.  The woman I've loved, admired, looked up to, and the anchor that held our family together is gone. She has been replaced by a child-like stranger and that frightens me to the core.

I believe daddy, like my sisters, is in denial. They continue to function as if everything is still completely normal and no one speaks of the changes in his beloved wife.

I understand everyone copes differently, but I resent that I'm the one that deals with the sad realities of this life. I feel so lost and alone, and as silly as it sounds, I feel abandoned by my own mother. I want to shake my sisters into dealing with reality and lightening my load. I'm not sure how I won the role of the sacrificial lamb carrying the burdens alone, and am expected to solely care for our mother while easing everyone else of their share of the difficult responsibility.

Then daddy hugs me and says "You remind me so much of your mother. You have her looks, but also her heart. You and your mother are the only ones in my life who ever loved me unconditionally.  I don't know what would I do now without you."

Mama turns and looks in my direction. There is a clarity in her eyes that has been missing.  "Do you promise?" she asks me. Yes mama, I will keep my promise to take good care of your husband. Then just as quickly she's gone again.

This is one of those brief moments, a platform of time alloted to me to regain my balance, peace of mind and regain my composure before the next downward spiral. So I will strive to be like mama and become the anchor that holds us together through this storm.